In a lot of ways, dealing with the difficult life experience of a break up, is a lot like the grief you feel when you lose a loved one. The relationship is like a person who’s passed on. You may never forget the experience, yet, with time it becomes easier to cope.

But, initially, at least, it seems almost impossible to get past the pain of the loss. When it comes to trying to get over a broken heart, you need to find ways to look past the pain, knowing that you’ll survive the horrible experience.

The Pain Of A Break Up

The potential for pain, during and after a break up, means that people don’t always know where to turn for support. Some people won’t be able to find someone they can easily confide in, which can lead to feelings of isolation.

Dealing with pain, by yourself, can seem like an impossible obstacle, but it helps to keep in mind the millions of people who’ve been through the same experiences before you. No matter how awful you feel right now, you can get over it, though it may feel emotionally crippling when you’re in the middle of a difficult break up.

Keeping a healthy perspective, about the pain you’re going through is essential. Because if you lose the view of the bigger picture, even for a short while, you’ll find far more challenging in the future, to overcome the challenges of moving on.

Why Does Break Up Pain Hurt So Much

Whenever you feel the worst pains of break up, you’ll find it easy to get wrapped up in the intense emotions of the situation. It’s very easy to feel like you’re the only person who feels this intense, burning pain, deep inside.

It’s easy, in situations like this, to give up fighting the pain, and moving on. Constantly dwelling on the situation doesn’t help, so you need to focus on removing the pain and anxiety that surrounds getting over a broken heart.

If your relationship cannot be repaired, you will need to think about what you want out of your next relationship, to make you happy, even if this is hard during the early days, following a break up. Keep in mind that you will find someone that makes you happy. It’s important to stay positive, even if that’s difficult right now.

How To Move Forward

There are some simple things you can do, in order to help the healing process, when dealing with a broken heart.

• Spend time with your friends and family. Try to have fun with them, in order to help you get over your heartbreak.
• Try not to dwell on the bad feelings and memories. Instead, try to focus on positive areas of your life. There’s good in every situation, no matter how bad you feel.

Keep in mind that your friends and family will understand you’re going through a tough time. Let them help you, because everyone understands how tough it can be going through a break up. Anything you can do to take your mind off the situation will help you to get over a broken heart, sooner and healthier.

By the time you do this you may have a different perspective on the relationship. You may be glad it’s over, so that you can move on. In other circumstances you might both decide that there was something, in the relationship, worth saving. In any case, you can do this with a clear, healthy mind.

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If you’ve tried to get your ex back, without considering the outcome of your actions, you may have already allowed those powerful feelings get in the way of getting back together, by acting in a way that doesn’t reflect you in the best light.

The Impact Of Your Behavior

People who are distraught after a break up will often do things that they regret later. It’s easy, with hindsight, to realize that your behavior was unhelpful, but it’s not so easy to see that when you’re clouded with the emotional impact of breaking up.

Begging and pleading for your ex to take you back, crying on the phone, or simply calling or emailing them too often. These are the kinds of mistakes people make, just because the situation stops them from seeing things clearly. Well, it’s time to start thinking about how this behavior affects your ex’s perception of you.

As hard as it is, you need to think about the way your behavior is making you come across. Even if you haven’t made any major mistakes, as of yet, you still need to make sure that you don’t do anything which comes across as scheming or childish. There are ways to make sure you come across well, the way you’d normally present yourself.

Keeping Your Behavior Positive

Once you realize that your behavior is being affected by your emotions, it’s a lot easier to work through things in a positive manner.

You’ll probably already appreciate that giving your ex space is important, as it allows you both time to think, and it stops things from getting too intense in the early stages of a break up.

But what if you find yourself in the same place? If you see each other, coincidentally, in a club or restaurant, what should you do? Well, it would be best to just briefly say hello, without asking for any further attention.

If it’s not too inconvenient, you’ll also come across well if you offer to leave, in order to make your ex feel more comfortable. Politeness and consideration will serve you well, if you’re trying to get your ex back.

Whereas sticking around, and seeking attention from your ex will only come across badly. At worst, they’ll probably start thinking your ‘stalking’ them, even if the fact that you ran into each other was pure co-incidence.

Which is why you shouldn’t be calling your ex too often either. An occasional call, to let them know they’re missed, sits far better than constant calls, for any possible reason. Smothering someone will stop them from having the space to think things through, so it’s not to your advantage to be the ex that calls too much.

And, as much as you want it to be a quick process, it often isn’t. At any point, you can be reminded about something that your partner did, or a moment shared, between you. Of course, feeling an emotional response to your ex, later down the line, doesn’t mean you’re not over them. Just getting to that point, however, can take time and effort.

So how do you deal with the journey towards getting over someone? So that one day, life moves forward, as it did before the break up? Apart from patience, here are some tips, which should prove useful.

Remember That You Invested A Lot In The Relationship

It doesn’t really matter how long you were together, as any relationship will, if it has any depth, create strong bonds between two people. It pays to keep in mind the amount of emotional connection involved, when you question the pain you’re feeling. “Of course it hurts”, you might reason. “We shared so much together”.

It’s okay for it to cause a little sadness, and if it was a particularly deep and special connection, you may feel a little sadness, here and there, for the rest of your life. It’s not something that’ll stop you from loving again and it doesn’t have to be something that leads you to depression. As hard as it may sound, it’s all part of the experience of a relationship.

Face The Sadness

When you’ve just broken up with somebody, the pain is fresh and the sadness can be quite intense, so the first thing you need to do is face the emotions. Realizing that, whatever you do, it’s still going to hurt a bit, is a major step. It’s a step you have to take though.

Take Away The Reminders

Once you’re committed to dealing with the sadness, you will probably be ready to take reminders of your ex out of your life. Maybe you need to put aside gifts and photos of shared experiences. Perhaps, it may be a good idea to avoid places you’d go to together, if it’s at all practical.

With time, you’ll find you no longer need to do this, but if it helps in the short term, it won’t do any harm. If it allows you to keep a clear head, during tough times, you just need to go ahead and do it.

Get Support

Maybe, you can get a lot of emotional support from your friends and family, but in many situations they’ll be too close to the problem. In some cases, the other people in your life may have a bias about the situation.

Perhaps your friends didn’t like your partner; it won’t always be helpful to hear their negative opinions, after the fact. In such cases, counseling may be the answer. A counselor will be able to give you helpful, unbiased advice, if you are struggling with the process of getting over a broken heart.

They won’t just tell you want you want to hear or try to get you to move on too quickly, so the support could help you to move on, at a pace that’s right for you. This level of support isn’t for everyone, but there’s no harm in admitting you need it, if you’re having a hard time with a break up.

Moving On

Moving on is never easy, but it will happen. Maybe your next relationship will bring bright rays of happiness into your life. Maybe it takes time to find someone that’s perfect for you, but you will only find out if you move forward, past the sadness, at a pace that’s right for you.

Times Have Changed

It’s far less of an issue to seek counseling than it was in the past. It’s worth noting that a lot of marriages end, after several decades, because neither of the partners will consider any external help. This is definitely a falling trend, though it can still be tough to get people to agree to counseling. It’s always sad to see this happen, so the next thing to consider is how to go about taking the next step, towards saving your relationship.

Don’t Be Judgmental

The best way, to raise the subject of counseling, is to avoid anything which sounds like an accusation. If your partner feels like they are the problem, in the relationship, you will often find they close the doors to communication. It can then be really hard to get things moving again. The counseling is for both of you, but it shouldn’t harm to suggest that you’d benefit from it.

Take The Lead

Even if you think your partner is responsible for the majority of the relationship’s problems, you can take the lead, without having to accept any blame yourself. It won’t hurt to suggest that you want counseling to be a better partner. When you get there, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to learn about each other’s perspectives, which will allow you to learn together, finding real solutions in the process.

Relationship Length Doesn’t Matter

It shouldn’t matter if you’ve been in a 20 year marriage or have just moved in together. Remember that relationship problems can hit at any time, you shouldn’t wait around to fix them, in most cases. You can halt divorce, or you can stop little problems become huge problems, so it’s really up to you. Don’t let a situation brew and fester, as it’s likely to get worse if left unchecked.

It’s Not Doomed

If you suggest counseling, it’s pretty common for people to think of this as a sign of impending doom, within the relationship. You’ll need to explain that this is not true, the opposite is, in fact, the case. This is the opportunity to save the relationship, not a sign that it’s over.

If All Else Fails…

If you can’t get your partner to attend, you can go alone. This won’t be as effective, but it might work as a last ditch effort. If your partner sees you attending, it might change their mind. If this doesn’t work, you may need to consider, in greater detail, why they don’t want to attend, especially if any reasons they’ve given before don’t explain their concerns.

Was The Break Up a Good Idea?

Give this some thought, and take your time. It’s easy to have an overly swift reaction, especially if the break up has been very emotional. Try to be as impartial as you can be, given the circumstances. Think about the relationship, and what it’ll mean if you follow the different paths and options open to you.

Do You Need To Apologize?

Consider whether you have something that you need to apologize for, especially if there’s an obvious reason why the relationship ended. It may be that you don’t need to, but don’t think that any apology at the time of the break up counts.

It’s very likely than a apology made at the time will be read as trying to stop the break up. Therefore, it’s unlikely that it will have been treated as if it was totally sincere. You’ll need to address this, if you’re going to save the love.

Do You Need To Forgive?

If the break up was caused by your partner, are you prepared to forgive them? You won’t forget anything they’ve done, in a hurtful way, but you must be prepared to forgive them to repair the damage done. Forgiveness must be more than just words though; you really have to mean it.

Are Old Issues Going To Come Back Up?

If you get back together, what are the chances that the things that drove you apart will resurface? You’ll need to work together to make sure that doesn’t happen. Forgiveness, on either side of the relationship, should mean that you don’t revisit the past constantly.

You’ll need to communicate effectively to make sure that tensions don’t build up, like they may have done in the past. Watch out for any new tensions that could affect your progress. The last thing you need is a relationship with a make up, then break up pattern.

Can You Be The Person They Fell In Love With?

And, of course, this applies to your partner too. Have you changed, as a person? This can happen naturally, over the course of a relationship, or it can be fuelled by the emotions of a break up. If either of you have changed it could cause stumbling blocks, for the relationship.

When you’re trying to win someone back, it’s important to let them see your good qualities, such as kindness, as that’s what tends to feed the love between you. If your partner doesn’t get to see your positive side, it’ll be easier for them to walk away from the relationship, which could mean the love being lost, forever.

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Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

In theory, it should be easy to tell when a relationship is bad news, but the reality is more complicated than that. People don’t tend to show their worst side at the start of a relationship, plus it can take time before the full extent of their negative behavior comes to light.

Here are some signs that show your relationship is bad news. Ignore them at your peril, because when they set in, it’s going to take work to turn things around.

The signs:

· Your partner is dismissive or verbally puts you down.

· Your partner displays controlling behavior, such as reading your mail, or showing up in unexpected places.

· Your partner’s actions don’t match their words. They may say they love you, but do they act like they do?

· Your partner has tried to make you dependant on them

· You’ve had to change yourself to please them, not because it pleased you.

Why do these relationships happen?

Initially there’s a good start to the relationship, a honeymoon period, where everything is fine. Then, after a while things blow up and fall apart. This is then followed by a reunion, where a partner might promise the world to get you back.

Yet the cycle continues, time after time. Things go wrong and then come back together. It can take time before you realize this cycle is in place. By this point it’s too late for the issue to be as obvious as it should be.

Toxic people make you feel ill just being around them. So, why would anyone end up in a toxic relationship? Why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel emotionally or physically harmed?

What Can You Do If You’re In A Bad News Relationship?

Realizing the relationship has become poisoned is the first, important step. Until you can see this for yourself it’s easy to allow things to continue.

But you must realize you have choices, that you must make to move forward. Do you break things up, or do you work to repair the relationship. Both options can be tough, as it’s difficult to have the confidence to leave a bad relationship, especially if you’ve been made to think it’s your fault. It’s also going to take work to repair a damaged relationship.

In many cases, counseling or support groups can be an effective way of starting the process to save the relationship. This can be particularly important if your self esteem has been damaged.

But in all cases, you have to decide that the relationship is worth saving, before going any further. There’s support available, but solutions will only arise if you, and your partner, can commit to changing things for the better, which takes time.

How Can I Save The Relationship?

To save the relationship you’ll have to set new limits with your partner, telling them how you feel and how the relationship is affecting you. If they can’t accept these limits, then you’ll have to let them know you’ll end it, walking away. Plus, it’s really important that you mean it. Your partner needs to realize this, and be on board to change things.

You need to be able to walk away if things don’t improve, otherwise you won’t be able to heal the relationship. There’ll be no reason for your partner to take the idea of change seriously, unless the threat of losing you is real.

From there, it’s going to take mutual support and love, in order to save the relationship. You’ll need to work together, and you both have your part to play. Most importantly, remember you always have options, if it continues to be unhealthy. Nobody deserves a poor relationship, where there’s no sign of real improvement.

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There are few things that can cause more pain than the betrayal of an affair. And while many people will say that an affair should be the end of any relationship, this might not always apply. A relationship can be saved, even after an affair, as long as both partners sincerely want to work at the relationship, and rebuild trust.

But, with the pain involved, it can be difficult to start that journey, towards a more healthy relationship. So, where do you start? Read on, and consider carefully, how you can rebuild the trust in your relationship.

Finding The Root Cause

If you have cheated on your partner, your attitude has allowed you to stray away from the relationship. Somewhere, something has gone wrong, which has poisoned the relationship, at its core. So, the first thing you need to do is find the antidote to this poisoning.

People don’t have affairs if their relationships are going well, so you need to find out what’s gone wrong. Maybe there’s a lack of intimacy, or a distance between you and your partner, caused by career or childcare commitments. You have to work out why you felt the need to find someone else.

In any case, no progress can be made until the underlying problems are identified. If this is difficult, in and of itself, you may need to undergo couple’s counseling, which will give you both an opportunity to air concerns, emotions and grievances, with an aim to positively rectify the problems.

Take Action To Resolve The Problems

Once you have identified what went wrong, to allow cheating to take place, the real journey of repairing the relationship can begin.

Talking will allow you to identify the problems, but resolving the issues takes actions. In other words, you need to do the right thing, not just talk about it.

When it comes to rebuilding trust, one of the most positive things you can do is to makes small promises and keep them. Demonstrate, in everything that you do, how you can now be trusted. It’s going to take time to rebuild confidence, but persistence should be expected but rewarded.

Your partner will need to be reassured that you have changed, in order to rebuild the trust. You’ll need to apologize, probably more than one, though it won’t help to keep apologizing constantly, as that’ll remind your partner of the breach of trust.

You should take any comments about the affair in your stride; remember that your partner has the right to be upset about the breach. If you work hard, over time, this should subside, as you rebuild trust.

And Remember…

This is an opportunity for you both to work on the relationship. With the right approach you could continue to develop and mature the relationship, with the experience of overcoming a relationship obstacle.

It may take time to get there, but you may find that with a mutual commitment to moving forward, the relationship could become even stronger. Just be patient and respect your partner’s feelings while it takes the time to get there.

1. Decide If it’s Worth Saving

You’ll both need to decide this if the relationship is going to work. If one partner is absolutely convinced that the relationship is fated to end, it’s going to be almost impossible to turn that around.

The good news, in amongst the sadness, is that many people are uncertain of their feelings, at the end of a relationship, so even if they feel like the relationship’s over they won’t be totally certain. Sometimes, people will imagine the worst, because their sadness makes this easier to cope with.

2. Pinpoint the Problems

Identifying the problem that caused the break up can be hard. Let’s say, there’s an argument and that causes emotions to boil over. This may feel like the trigger for the break up but it’s often far more complicated than that, with emotions simmering away for a long time before that.

While affairs are often blamed for break ups they need to be viewed for what they are. The partner who’s been cheated on is right to feel hurt and betrayed but needs to understand that the affair is often a symptom of an underlying problem. Lack of intimacy, for example, can drive someone to an affair, and while it doesn’t excuse the behavior, it will help to understand it.

In any case, you need to identify the true core issue if you want to save the relationship, rather than dealing with surface issues and allowing the true issues to fester.

3. Share Your Thoughts

Good communication is key to any healthy relationship, so you need to be able to really talk to each other, and both partners need to be able to listen.

Sometimes, difficult topics need to be covered. If your partner brings up a painful issue, it can be hard to deal with. But remember, they’re not doing this to hurt you; they’re doing this to get things into the open, so that you can move forward.

It’s likely that both of you will have powerful, emotional reactions to various subjects that need to be discussed. So, try to stay calm and composed, even if your emotions are wobbling under the weight of the situation.

4. Make A Plan

Detail the steps you are both prepared to take, in order to make the relationship work. It’s important that you both contribute to this plan, in order to make it work.

Whatever the relationship’s needs are, there’s a solution available. If you need to spend more time together, find a suitable time and commit to it. If the two of you are not talking enough, then make time to do so. It doesn’t have to be too rigid, but it should demonstrate that you are both prepared to work on the ongoing health of the relationship.

Remember that any solutions you put in place are only as good as your commitment to each other, so you can use this to help demonstrate your flexibility, empathy and love for each other. It shouldn’t be something to argue over!

And Remember…

No matter what you’re going through there’s somewhere where you can turn. There’s always support out there for people who are prepared to take responsibility for creating a healthy relationship. If the two of you are committed to making it work, there is always hope and a real chance at a future.

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Don’t Panic

Whatever you do, don’t panic. If you and your ex were in love, then the chances that a new relationship can replace this are tiny, to the point that they’re almost insignificant.

It’s likely that they’re just exploring something new, as a way of dealing with the pain of breaking up. They may well want to find someone to try to stave off the loneliness and heartache, that always comes from a break up.

They won’t have moved on though, this relationship will be all about getting over you. At least, they may think that, it’s more likely to be about avoiding getting over you.

Let The Rebound Run Its Course

Most of the time these new relationships will be short lived, as it’s tough to move from one deep and meaningful, loving relationship to another. As much as the prospect of a new relationship might be appealing to your ex, it’s going to be difficult for something new to match what you had.

So, with that in mind it’s best to let things run without interference. Over time, it should re-enforce the fact that you were a good, solid partner, who made them happy, as your good qualities come back into focus. So, don’t rush in!

If You Did Something Wrong…

If the break up is, at least partially, down to something you did wrong, then you need to apologise. This goes without saying, but there’s a mistake that many people make after a relationship ends this way. Whatever you do, don’t keep apologising, over and over.

Apologize once, make sure it’s heartfelt and deeply sincere, and then move on. It’s no good to keep reminding someone of the mistake you made, plus it can make you seem desperate.

Don’t Promise To Change

Apart from the fact that it can make you seem desperate, to your ex, promises to change can be counterproductive. Remember that your ex fell in love with you, not someone a bit like you, with a different personality. It helps to be flexible about the relationship and your partner’s needs, but you are who you are, so that should stay the same.

Don’t Beg To Be Taken Back

If there’s a theme developing here, it’s that actions which make you seem desperate should be avoided, right? So,don’t go begging to be taken back, as this could sour the chances of a reunion very quickly.

Remember that begging to be taken back, or other desperate actions, will add to the rebound’s appeal. The new person will get credit for not acting in a desperate manner. Whatever you do, don’t help the new relationship to bond, as you will not benefit from this.

And Remember…

The fact that your ex partner is in a rebound relationship is actually a good sign, for the chances of getting back together. As painful as it is, it highlights the fact that they are avoiding getting over you, and are looking for ways to fill the void.

Realize The Purpose Of Rebounds

Rebound relationships have a pretty simple purpose, as they’re there to help someone to get over their partner, without having to confront their emotions.

People who move from one relationship, to the next, without pause, often want to avoid dealing with pain and loneliness. So, they get someone else, to fill the hole left by their previous partner, hoping they can avoid the pain of a break up.

Understanding that your ex is in that relationship, as a way of getting over you, is key to getting your ex back. When they’re in that short term relationship, you remain their real love, and the new person is just a distraction.

What Makes A Rebound Tick?

If you want to save your relationship, you just have to remember that your real love is the most important thing, no matter what caused the break up. If it’s based on love it can be saved. However, it doesn’t harm to understand the most common characteristic of a rebound relationship.

In almost every case your ex’s new partner will be the opposite of yourself. This is a really important indicator. You know how, sometimes, you can just tell somebody’s on a rebound, if it’s friends or co-workers? Whether you’re consciously aware of it or not, it’s that feeling of their oppositeness that stands out.

If you’re quiet and sensitive, expect the rebound to include someone loud and brash. It’s not always that obvious, but you get what I’m saying, of course. It’s a way of focusing on the relationship’s faults, to identify what went wrong. Sometimes, they’ll just be trying someone else out, to see if that helps to identify what went wrong.

So What Can I Learn…?

Pay close attention to the person who your ex, has chosen. This can be a very good indicator of what they are looking for. Remember, they will often go for opposites, but it may give an indication of what your ex is now looking for, or what they thought went wrong.

Casually asking, your most discreet mutual friends, what they think of the new person might also shed some light on their character.

While this rebound relationship is running it’s course, and they’re usually pretty short, you can take the time to learn about yourself. There’s no need to rush in to anything, so pause, and think about what you want out of the relationship.

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